


I'M NOT A MEOWBEAST, STRIDER.

by fujoshitrash



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ALL THE FLUFF, Dave flirts way too much, Fluff, Insomnia, M/M, Pesterlog, Purring Trolls, Sleepy Cuddles, and by kissing meaning sloppy makeouts, but idk it might just be fluff, depends on my mood when i write it, karkat really needs some sleep, lots of fluff, there might be kissing, will prob add more tags later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 13:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3531416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fujoshitrash/pseuds/fujoshitrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dave flirts too much and Karkat really needs to get some sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]\--

TG: rose  
TG: hey  
TG: rose  
TG: rose come on  
TG: rose  
TG: rose pls  
TT: My, my, to what do I owe the incredible honor of Mr. Strider himself taking time out of his day to message little old me?  
TG: stfu  
TG: i mean yeah im great but  
TG: wait fuck  
TG: okay no im off track already  
TT: Apparently so. Was there something important you contacted me about?  
TT: Oh, and I do hope you realize that I am a mere two rooms away from you- you could very easily just come speak to me in person.  
TG: sure i mean i could  
TG: but arent you with kanaya rn  
TT: Well, yes, I am. But what does that have to do with your need to initiate a coversation with me?  
TG: nah its just like  
TG: i dont really want to interrupt the precious time you get to spend with your alien gf  
TG: makes me feel guilty  
TG: but seriously  
TG: i need your advice  
TT: If you could see me right now, I am now staring wide-eyed at our conversation.  
TT: For the first time since we came to this meteor- you, Dave Strider, are actively seeking me out for advice? I'm practically falling off my chair here.  
TG: jc  
TG: tone down the snark meter rose i know its hard to believe  
TG: look im even toning down on my sarcasm here  
TG: i have so many sarcastic comments and analogies piling up here you dont even know  
TG: w/e will you help an ectobrother out or nah  
TT: Considering the fact I am starting to get a bit concerned for your well-being, of course I'll help.  
TT: Then again, what exactly do you need help with?  
TG: okay so like  
TG: trolls purr right  
TT: Oh my.  
TG: what  
TT: So, our little dave is finally admitting to waxing a bit of red for one of our fellow trolls? I never thought I'de live to see the day. I mean, I already had the feeling- but I never thought you would actually admit to it.  
TG: wow holy fuck rose  
TG: i just asked if trolls purr its not like i fucking confessed my undyeing love for all things gay  
TT: Now, now, Dave! I never said anything about being gay.  
TT: There are more than just male trolls on this meteor, remember? In fact, there is actually only two male trolls residing on this meteor at this point in time.  
TT: And with one of them being out of contact almost constantly... I'm starting to get a clearer picture of what's going on here. Looks like I saved you the effort of telling me yourself, Dave. It only took a few words and now I've pretty much learnt everything.  
TT: I believe I deserve some praise.  
TG: i  
TG: yeah okay  
TG: so you were probably almost very correct about me being after some sweet troll ass  
TG: i mean come on  
TG: you should know just as well as i do or hell even more than i do how sweet troll ass really is  
TT: Indeed.  
TG: anyway you already know so how do i get in him to purr  
TT: Ohh. You actually said it. I am thoroughly intrigued.  
TT: By "him," I am assuming you mean Karkat, yes?  
TG: no im fucking talking about tz  
TG: you know because trolls have pretty much the same genitals i thought you knew this  
TG: yes i mean karkat  
TT: Might I inquire to exactly why you are trying to get our little grumply friend to purr?  
TG: ugh always with the questions  
TG: cant a guy just ask a simple question and get a simple answer  
TT: Sure you can. But you are talking to Rose Lalonde, remember?  
TT: I like to uncover the full truth behind things before initiating any type of action for or against them.  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: alright so like  
TG: tz dared me to get karkat to purr  
TG: but i know fuck all about how to go about it  
TG: and i got desperate bc rose shes holding two aj bottles captive  
TG: so i came to you as a last resort  
TG: that about sum it up darlin  
TT: Great to know that I am a last resort, but yes. That sums it up perfectly, and I can easily give you the advice you are looking for.  
TT: Ahem, take a seat Mr. Strider because you are about to engage in a lesson of troll bio 101.  
TG: wow look at me pullin up a seat  
TG: my body is ready  
TG: lay it on me  
TT: First and foremost, I am sorry to say it is highly unlikely you will get Karkat to purr.  
TG: wait wtf why did terezi make a bet with me on it then  
TT: If you would let me finish, I did say 'unlikely' not impossible.  
TT: The fact simply is- that not all trolls purr. Only some do.  
TT: And by purring, it's more similar to chirping or... warbling, perhaps?  
TT: Trolls actually make a great variety of different sounds. I'm rather surprised you haven't heard any of our friends make any. Not even Terezi? With her condition, I imagined she'de be all the more likely to produce different sounds to scope and analyze here surroundings. Odd.  
TT: Well, I digress. Purring- or rather "chirping," is not very common in adult trolls. Granted, most of the trolls with us are not fully grown, but by this point in time most trolls lose their ability to chirp.  
TT: It's mostly the grubs that have a tendency to chirp or purr, as it tells the grub everything is safe and that they can rest. As trolls grow older, they no longer need this ability. This is because they are then old enough to correctly anaylze a situation themselves, and don't need this sound to assist them.  
TG: so trolls only purr when theyre young  
TG: shit  
TT: Actually, some older trolls can purr as well. Since it's one of their most primitive sounds, a troll who grew up in an unstable environment may still have the ability to purr. You know, to tell them when they feel safe enough to take a break.  
TG: oh my gog rose just tell me can the fucker purr or not  
TT: My answer is, not likely- I do not think Karkat can purr.  
TT: I mean, honestly, have you heard him make ANY other type of sounds other than yelling and screaming?  
TG: true  
TG: but that still doesnt explain why tz told me to do it  
TT: Well, I can't answer you on that. you'll just have to ask her yourself.  
TG: god dammit this is making everything so much more difficult than it should be  
TG: okay whatever i just want my aj  
TG: and mabye get the chance to cuddle with that little shit  
TG: makeouts would be nice too  
TG: alright yeah im going to go bug tz then  
TG: thanks rose

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]\--


	2. Chapter 2

\--turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]\-- 

TG: care to explain   
GC: D4V3, 4R3NT YOU L1K3 TWO ROOMS 4W4Y FROM M3?   
TG: yeah but im kind of busy over here   
TG: doin things   
GC: HMM, S33MS 4 B1T... SUSP1C1OUS.   
GC: H3H3 D4V3 4R3 YOU DO1NG SUSP1C1OUS TH1NGS?? >:]   
TG: hell yeah im doing suspicious things what do you take me for   
TG: some kind of good person   
GC: >:o   
TG: anyway  
TG: why did you make a bet with me to get karkat to purr  
TG: when apparently trolls your age dont fucking purr  
TG: and while im definitely not disappointed in the least  
TG: if you were trying to sabotage me i win  
TG: tell the mayor to get the can prison set up again because we have a grade a+ sabotuer over here and i caught her red handed  
GC: HOLD ON TH3R3 D4V3, WHO S41D K4RK4T COULDNT PURR?  
TG: uh rose  
GC: OF COURS3 SH3 D1D! TH4T M3DDL3R, SH3S JUST L1K3 K4N4Y4 >:[  
GC: W3LL, SH3 DO3SNT KNOW 4NYTH1NG! 1 4SSUR3 YOU, K4RKR4B C4N D3F1N1T3LY PURR  
TG: how do you know  
GC: B3C4US3, D4V3! WH3N W3 W3R3 ON THIS M3T3OR B3FOR3 YOU GUYS C4M3, 1 H4PP3N3D UPON 4 R4R3 OCCUR4NC3  
GC: K4RK4T W4S TROLL1NG ON3 OF YOU GUYS B3S1D3 M3  
TG: wtf thats not rare he trolled us like 24/7  
GC: GOSH, D4V3. SO 1MP4T1IENT! L3T M3 F1N1SH  
GC: H3 W4S PROB4BLY R34LLY T1R3D, BEC4US3 TH3 POOR L1TTL3 GUY FORC3D HIMS3LF TO ST4Y 4W4K3 FOR SO LONG  
GC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3 W4S 4BOUT TO P4SS OUT  
GC: 1M 4LSO NOT 3NT1R3LY SUR3 WHO H3 W4S T4LK1NG TO, BUT H3 MUST OF F3LT PR3TTY R3LAX3D!  
GC: B3C4US3 4LL OF 4 SUDD3N I ST4RT H34R1NG TH3 F41NT3ST RUMBL1NG NO1S3  
GC: 1'M SUR3 1T W4S H1M, D4V3 >:]  
TG: hm  
GC: HMMMM  
TG: hmm  
GC: HMMMMMMMMMMM? >:?  
TG: yeah okay ill take the risk  
TG: but on the off chance he cant purr what then  
TG: i mean come on my sweet aj is on the line  
GC: H3H3H3, W3LL...  
GC: 1F YOU C4NT G3T H1M TO PURR, JUST S33 1F YOU C4N G3T H1M TO M4K3 4NY SORT OF TROLL NO1S3  
GC: OTH3R TH4N 4 GROWL OF COURS3  
GC: L1K3 CL1CK1NG, WH1N1NG, OR SOM3TH1NG 3LS3 L1K3 TH4T  
GC: H3 B4R3LY DO3S 4NY OF THOS3 3V3N THOUGH 1TS N4TUR4L FOR 4 TROLL TO M4K3 SUCH NO1SES  
TG: but i rarely even hear you make those sounds though  
TG: or kanaya for that matter  
GC: 1M 4LOT QU13TER TH3N OTH3R TROLLS  
GC: 4ND YOU N3V3R H34R K4N4Y4 B3C4US3 SH3 TH1NKS TH3 SOUNDS 4R3 "Much Too Animal For A Lady" 3V3N THOUGH TH3Y 4R3 JUST N4TUR4L SOUNDS TH4T 4NY OTH3R TROLL WOULD M4K3 >:[  
TG: okay i think i got it  
TG: the bets still on right  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3  
GC: Y3S D4V3, 1T MOST C3RT41NLY 1S  
GC: GOOD LUCK >:]  
TG: i dont need luck  
TG: im dave motherfucking strider   
TG: if that guy can purr ill get him to purr 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

\--turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

TG: uh  
GC: >:?  
TG: yeah so  
TG: where the fuck is karkat


	3. Chapter 3

 You search through your vast collection of dvd's, consequently making sure each one is in its right place. You've seen all of them already, but recent affairs required the assistance of a romcom to get your nerves in check. Hell, you might even be able to sleep with how absolutely exhausted you are. Even after everything that had happened, you still haven't got a good night's rest. Perhaps it was the countless hours you spent awake to avoid the horrible dream visions- regardless, it fucked up your sleeping pattern for who knows how long.

 That aside, you pick out a few of your favorite romcoms and drag yourself over to your husktop. You knew having a romcom playing- even if you've seen it thousands of times before- would help ease your mind and help you to relax. Honestly, you didn't even care if it would take hours for you to fall asleep. You just NEEDED to sleep. Although, there was one thing you knew would help much better than a romcom.

 Right. You had 0% intention to run into anyone else on this meteor for the next couple hours. So you needed to find some unoccupied room somewhere so you wouldn't be bothered. You quickly pick up your husktop and leave the comfort of your own respiteblock.

 You make your way through a couple hallways, each one lined with empty rooms that could easily make for a good hideaway. But not good enough. You wanted a room far off from everyone else, and you find just that. You enter a room at the very end of one of the hallways- a room with a door that blended nicely with the wall. Perfect.

 You close the door quietly and uncaptchalouge a few blankets. You hated admitting that you liked making piles of soft things, so you usually only do this in solitude. If anyone caught you like this, you'de never live it down. Wait, what was that noise?

 After making a small nest from the blankets and setting your husktop on your lap, a familiar ding startles you a bit. Someone messaged you? Nobody really messaged anyone anymore, considering everyone- well, everyone that was still alive- was so close to each other now. Unless it was John or Jade, and you really didn't want to deal with them at the moment. Besides, it was rather unlikely to be anyone else. Kanaya was always busy with Rose, and Terezi was always busy with Dave. As for Gamzee, well- you NEVER know what he's up to. Of course, there is the mayor- but you don't really think he knows how to use a husktop.

 You log on to Trollian to see the annoyingly bright red letters making their way onto your screen.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

TG: hey  
TG: yo  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkitten  
TG: karkrab  
TG: hey  
TG: krabcakes  
TG: krabbycat  
TG: babe  
CG: WHY, STRIDER?  
CG: WHY IS IT THE ONE TIME I WANT TO GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET, YOU WALTZ ON UP AND COMPLETELY FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING.  
TG: aw you know you love me  
CG: I FUCKING HATE YOU AND YOUR MISERABLE FUCKING EXISTENCE.  
CG: PLATONICALLY.  
TG: having to add on the word platonic just makes it all the more believable that you totally have a thing for me  
TG: admit it  
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. I DON'T NEED THIS, JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  
TG: no wait  
TG: i actually have a reason for pestering you  
CG: NO, WOW, REALLY? I'M SHAKING, STRIDER. SHAKING FROM THE UTTER SHOCK THAT IS YOU HAVING A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR TAKING THE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO TORMENT ME. WHAT COULD BE SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.  
CG: THAT WAS SARCASM, BY THE WAY. I'M NOT ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO SAY.  
TG: oh come on youre totally interested  
TG: in a lot more than what my reason is for bugging you might i add  
CG: FUCK YOU. WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
TG: wow  
TG: no sassy comeback  
TG: you must really be off your game  
CG: HAHA, THAT'S IT. I'M LOGGING OFF.  
TG: fuck wait  
TG: okay im sorry  
TG: i just wanted to ask where you were  
CG: WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW? NO, WAIT. I DON'T CARE. WHATEVER REASON YOU HAVE FOR WANTING TO KNOW WHERE I AM, GIVE UP. I HAVE ZERO MOTIVATION FOR TALKING WITH ANY OF YOU FUCKERS RIGHT NOW.  
TG: why tho  
CG: IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER??? LET'S END THE CONVERSATION AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.  
TG: uh  
TG: no can do  
TG: seriously where are you  
CG: DID I STUTTER? I SAID IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER AND YOU MOST CERTAINLY DON'T NEED TO KNOW. WHAT MORE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU IGNORANT GRUBFUCKING SACK OF SHIT??  
TG: no because like  
TG: i  
TG: okay okay what do i have to do so we can hang out  
CG: WHAT  
TG: so we can hang out  
TG: what do i have to do  
CG: I  
CG: WHAT??  
TG: come on man  
TG: just tell me  
CG: NO, NO, WAIT. FIRST OF ALL, DAVE STRIDER, THE MOST INSUFFERABLE DOUCHEBAG IN THE UNIVERSE, IS ADMITTING TO WANTING TO HANG OUT WITH ME? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. AND HERE THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.  
TG: what no when did i give you that impression  
TG: and also stop reading into it just what do i have to do so we can hang out today  
CG: NOTHING. BECAUSE WE ARE NOT HANGING OUT.  
CG: I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR TWICE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANY OF YOU GUYS FOR A WHILE.  
TG: ill watch your shitty romcoms with you  
CG: I'M IN THE ROOM AT THE VERY END OF THE THIRD HALLWAY.  
CG: FUCK  
TG: haha nice sys

 Of course, just what you needed. Dave Strider- the one person you could not stand more than anyone else on the meteor- to come knocking on your door the minute you dedicate yourself to getting some actual shut-eye. If it wasn't excrutiatingly obvious before- and it was- the universe really did hate you. And you hate it back.

 Platonically.

 You hate everything platonically. Except mabye yourself. No, no, never going back to that. Had enough of that shit to fuel your horrorterrors for years. In fact, just thinking about it again has guaranteed you to ruin your sleep. Fuck, you just jinx everything, don't you? Way to go, genius. No fucking wonder you failed so miserably as a leader.

 Okay, no more of that. You're really, really tired. Thinking about how much you hate yourself has rendered you even more tired. Dealing with Dave made you more tired. Thinking about his stupid face made you more tired. Hearing his footsteps down the hall was making you more tired-- and, fuck. He said see you soon as in RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND???

 You scramble your way out of the ever-so-comfy pile you made from your blankets, and hear his footsteps getting nearer. You can't believe you got him to convince you to tell him where you were; You were so positive that you were going to avoid everyone while you tried to get some sleep.

 His footsteps draw closer and closer, and you frantically try to re-captchalouge your blankets back into your sylladex.

 Of course, you fail miserably.

 Your feet get caught up in the bankets and you pretty much fall flat on your face. To no ones surprise, Dave walks in almost immediately after. After a brief moment of silence and agonizing face pain, you attempt to prop yourself up with your elbows and look up.

 Yep, there he was. Poker face and all. He just sort of stood there. You knew he was just laughing at you silently, thinking of new ways to insult you and your miraculous tumble. Shitty Strider and his wit, always having to be on par with yours. Why was he just standing there? You hate him so fucking much- _just laugh if you're going to laugh. No, just fucking stand there and look cool because that's all you know how to do_. And by cool- you obviously meant stupid. He was stupid, and his face was stupid.

 Well, time to think of an excuse. You were just emptying out your sylladex and accidentally tripped? You were getting ready to burn these lame blankets that you found? Yeah, that might just--

 Oh shit. Your nose was bleeding everywhere.


End file.
